The Making of M.O.M.

Warning: This section is NOT meant as a post to bash or belittle my father(s), merely my reflections about my own readings.

As I've mentioned previously, I've been reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and all I can say is "WOW!" I think they wrote it just for me. If you have not had the opportunity to read or hear of this book, I would certainly check it out at your local library. God has used it to reveal to me so much about my past and my father(s) that I have never understood before. I'm currently on Chapter six and it is asking me to forgive all the people that have wounded me and caused me to have scars. That's a pretty major undertaking for me. I have countless scars on top of scars that I have chosen to cover up and not deal with. The Eldredges say that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. First you forgive, then later the feeling of forgiveness comes. I want my choice to forgive to be whole-hearted (not just, ok I forgive you b/c I'm suppose to), so I am continuing to pray over this as I read.

Next, they address the correlation between your relationship with your earthly father to how you view our Heavenly Father. For me, this was profound. I had heard this before, but hearing it from another woman, in the SAME WORDS I felt, shook me. Here's an excerpt from the book and I totally identify with these words...(again, this is NOT a bashing session)..

I was looking at my heavenly Father through the lenses of my experiences with my own father. And for me, that meant my heavenly Father was distant, aloof, unavailable, hard to please, easily disappointed, quick to anger and often hard to predict. True, I wanted to please him. But since God the Father was, to me, hard to fathom and not especially inviting, my relationship with God centered on my relationship with his Son. Jesus liked me. I wasn't so sure about his dad. (Captivating, p. 106-107)

Wow! Can I just say that I feel the EXACT same way? I mean, I'd never considered that before, that I based my relationship with God on my relationship with Jesus, because I saw Jesus differently.

I haven't read past this paragraph, because I just keep reading those words over and over and over again. I am so amazed that God is using this to reveal to me that he is IS loving, nurturing and in all aspects of the word a Father.

Just so you know, both of my fathers, biological and step, are good men. However, my relationship with my "real" dad is strained and has been for many years. My relationship with my step-dad is good, but started off rocky (I was 12 when he married my mom). Both of them, I do believe, would die for me. I do have many scars because of past things and I am praying for the guidance that only God can give on how to handle, proceed and carry on a healthy, loving relationship with both men.

As a Christian, you'd think that I would know when God speaks. I mean, I know the obvious stuff, who can't tell that? It's the more complex things that I struggle with. When I have several good options, but I want to choose the BEST. I know that any of the choices would be pleasing to God, but I want to make him absolutely delighted. I've been reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldgridge and I am beginning to understand my heavenly Father more and more. I also read a little of Erwin McManus' book Chasing Daylight where he spoke a lot about choices. Here's the conclusion I've come to after reading only a small portion of each of these books.

1) My heavenly Father loves me immensely. I'm not saying that I didn't know this before these books, but because of the strained relationship that I have with my earthly father, I often forget that God sees me is as His child. Not just some ordinary person. Wow! That still amazes me. The same way I'd die for my kids, is exactly how He felt when Christ died for me. I forget that so quickly.

2) I think that God will be delighted in my choice if the process I take to make the choice strengthens my relationship with Him. For example, if I spend more time in prayer, more time in scripture and more time seeking Godly council, all the while focusing on Him (even when I'm going about my daily grind), then he takes delight in the process. Yes, DELIGHT.

Isn't that what we all ultimately want? Someone to say, "Wow, you're amazing. I DELIGHT in YOU!" I know that's what I want. To think that my heavenly Father is saying that about lil 'ol me, just takes my breath away.

So now back to choices and when to move. The point that I have discovered for me is that I must simply pray, read, discuss and MOVE! Just do something! Just make a stinkin' decision and go for it! If it is obviously of God, would make Him happy, doesn't contradict scripture and is for His joy and glory then for pete's sake...GO.

So now, I move. If I step in the wrong direction, I'm sure He'll correct me. The only fear I have is how fast I'm gonna get there....because sometimes the choices are sacrifices, that bring joy along with pain. More on that later.