The Making of M.O.M.

Yesterday's doctor visit went well. The birth parents showed up (even though I selfishly prayed they would bail out). Luke and I sat, in a small waiting room in the back with his birth parents for almost an hour. During that time I felt such peace. I must thank each of you for praying for us, because I know it was those prayers that kept my heart from racing the entire hour (though it probably would have been good cardio, and I need to burn all of the calories I can). I know it was prayer that led me through the day yesterday. For that, I thank you.

I must say though, that quite a few of my friends have said that I am "special." Or that our family is "amazing." Please, please, please do not give us the credit. It is not on our own accord that we are being strong. It is not through our own initiative that we are finding peace. We are not anything special. Trust me on this one, it's ALL God.

If you look at us and see peace, turn your eyes to heaven and give God praise. If you listen to us with our kids and hear selflessness, turn your ears to God and give Him glory. If you think, for one second, that Luke and I have exponential love, turn your heart to Christ and feel His goodness. This is SO not a Luke & Jessica thing, but a God thing.

I am so weak, so anxious and so incredibly dependent. I have "nubbin" fingernails because I chew them on the regular. I take acid-reducer medicine on a consistent basis as to subside my ever churning stomach. However, since this entire foster parent process started I have felt peace. Sure I've had moments of anxiety, frustration and questions. But, for the most part, (and I would say that's about 98% of the time) I've felt PEACE. Unsurpassed peace. Peace that I cannot explain. I can only look to Christ as the source of my strength.

The song "Shout To the Lord" plays through my mind so much. So, I decided to search my favorite line of that song on BibleGateway.com (my absolute favorite Bible site). The part of the song that sticks out is "My Comfort, My Shelter, Tower of refuge and strength."

When I searched "tower of refuge," it came back with Psalm 61:2-3:

From the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.

Sheer perfection. Precisely how I see myself. Letting go and trusting God with all of my questions has been quite a struggle. Each time I want to pick up the phone and call someone to get their opinion, God whispers once more, I'm enough, remember? He is my refuge, He is my strong tower when my heart grows faint.

So please, if you pass us in the store, see us in the halls at church or if we even come to mind, please give God all the glory. Although it's humbling and flattering to hear of others praising you, we truly can't take any credit. God has totally taken over this situation and brought us more peace than we could ever imagine. It is not our own, it is purely Him.

Shout To the Lord
(click the title listen, I like the Skillet version best)

My Jesus, My Savior,
Lord there is none like You.
All of my days,
I want to praise,
The wonders of Your mighty love.
My Comfort, my Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am,
Never cease to worship You.

Shout to the Lord,
All the Earth let us sing.
Power and majesty
Praise to the King.
Mountains bow down
And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands.
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares
To the promise I have in You.

Today was draining. Baby D had his 2nd visit with his birth parents. I had the opportunity to observe the visit from the other side of a two-way mirror, with headphones to listen to the interactions. Can I just tell you how confusing it was for me?

Here I am, watching these people hold, kiss and love my baby. They are calling him "son" and referring to themselves as "Mom" and "Dad." My conscious self knows that these labels are true, but the mother in me was screaming something totally different.

To be honest, watching the visit wasn't as difficult for me as it could have been. I can sympathize with this mother on so many levels, just as I can all mothers. She must be thinking of her little guy day and night. Each time she feels the pain of her body recovering from childbirth, I know she must think of him. As she holds, kisses and smells him, I know her heart must yearn to take him home and know him.

On the other hand, my heart also turns cold when thoughts of her come to mind. How can any woman justify mis-treating her body when she is pregnant? How can any woman look at her bulging stomach in the mirror and have no regard for the life inside? How can any mother watch her child walk away with another "mom" and not have to be physically restrained?

God is working on me in all of this. I feel Him pressing my heart from many different directions. I want, so desperately, to feel His will. Today I feel like He's been speaking yet again. I analyze every interaction I have with the birth parents, especially after getting to observe them with the baby for over 1 1/2 hours today. I think about every comment they made. I mull over the comments of the social workers. I strip everything I've heard down to basics and replay in my mind over and over and over again. I have so many questions.

I have made a new friend, Sonja, who has been down this road before. She seems so wise. Each time a new emotion surfaces I want to call her and glean from her experience. However, I feel God leading me another way.

He simply says, Let me answer your questions. Let me guide your heart. Let me be enough.

Aren't I just like the world? We want so badly to know everything up front. We want to know the final destination before we even start the journey. We want all of the hard times to be laid out in front of us, with an answer key supplied. God doesn't work that way. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I am see more and more clearly that I need to let God be enough. He needs to be everything in every area of my life. He needs to be the one to answer my questions. He needs to fulfill my every need. Although I can seek Godly counsel from people of this world, my main source of strength and guidance should be from Him and His word.

As I watched the interactions of this tattered family, God kept saying "Remember, Jeremiah 29:11." As I cleaned up dishes from dinner just minutes ago, I thought about those words.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)

Do I really think my plans are better than God's? Do I really think He will be surprised by the outcome? At this point, I must let go and allow God's plan to unfold. This will not be easy, nor will it be without heartache. However, His plan is best. He IS God. He loves me. He loves Baby D. He even loves Baby D's birth parents.

As I face another day where I will endure more time with Baby D's birth parents (tomorrow there's a Dr's appointment and they'll be there), I know that I must walk through the day arm in arm with God. I must look to Him for my answers, I must let Him be enough.