The Making of M.O.M.

Last night, some of our friends came over. Matt and Britt are the kind of friends that can handle the raw us. They have pretty much seen the range of emotions we've had since getting sweet Baby D (except cry, because I don't do that...right?). I treasure their friendship more than they'll ever know. With them, we have a closeness that seems as thought it's been there for ages, even though when I stop and think we've really only been friends with them for less than 2 years (which just completely blows my mind).

Basically Britt is just like Luke (which is why I love her so much I think) and Matt and I are quite similar as well. He and I love to debate and usually Britt and Luke can't get a word in edgewise. So last night, they came over and we were debriefing them about our time in court. I say debrief because that's exactly what it feels like with them. We strip everything down and get to the bare bones, then they continue to help us pick it apart. I love that we can do that with them and that we don't have to hold back. We can rant and say things that are purely selfish and they allow it, knowing it's not really our true heart but rather something we just needed to say. If you have friends like this, you understand what I'm talking about. If you don't, find some.

Last night, Luke and I were really getting worked up. Luke was ranting about how obvious it is that we would be the best place for Baby D. We were going on and on about how sorry we thought it was that the birth parents didn't even ask about him yesterday. We were venting about how ridiculous it was that the attorney made it abundantly clear to the court that the birth parents paid for Baby D's circumcision, even thought it was "elective." While Luke and I understand where the attorney is coming from, he was pitching their actions to the court as if they should win a Parent of the Year award or something. Disgusting. After Luke finished his rant, this is basically how mine went:

Absolutely! I mean, let's make sure everyone knows that they paid for the circumcision. I mean, after all it is expensive to parent a child. I mean, we've hardly done anything for Baby D. We've just paid the power bill so that he could have heat, lights and warm water. We've only paid the water bill so he could have water in his bottle to mix his formula. We've only provided every diaper he's ever used. We've only paid for the gas in our car to take him to the doctor. We've done those things because THAT'S WHAT PARENTS DO!

Then Matt said something that really made me stop and think. It wasn't his intention to convict me, but I know God placed that thought in his head because it was exactly what I needed to hear. He said, Yeah, if this was a custody battle it would be over.

That's it. In my mind, this entire thing has been a custody battle of sorts. It has been about what seems to be Baby D's obvious best interest, in my opinion. I don't know if I've been looking for validation, or if God just chose to make it obvious. I can see clearly that we are doing what is in the best interest of this Baby. I need no further reason other than being a mother. Mothers love their babies. Mothers care for them, despite impending heartache. Mothers choose to love above all else. Mothers do what it takes to care for their kids. Mothers make sacrifices. I'm a mother to Baby D, not someone on one side of a courtroom, fighting for custody. I love how God completely places situations, friends and comments in my path to redirect my heart just when it begins to slip.

This week I read Hebrews 11. I realized that my God is faithful. I realized that I am not. I need to place all of my faith in Him. If He chooses to bless me with the desires of my heart, then I am unworthy. If He chooses to increase my faith through a challenging outcome, then I am unworthy. Either way, God stays the same and I remain in a place of choice. For me, the choice is simple, I choose to have faith. I choose to trust. I choose His way, because really, what other choice do I have? One day, He will show me the promised land. The journey to get there will be nothing like I expected. I have faith that He loves me and desires the best for me. The joy is in the journey and my faith lies in Him. I love Hebrews 11:40

God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

He has something better for us. Together, with great friends, He is making me perfect.

This morning we went to court for the Adjudication and Disposition Hearings for Baby D. Basically, as I understand it, an adjudication hearing is the court proceeding where the petition accusations (the document that the judge initially signed for Baby D to be removed from his parents) is reviewed and if the parents feel that the child was unjustly removed, then they can contest the petition. If that happens then the case goes to trial (no jury, just the judge). However, Baby D's parents did not contest. All of the allegations in the petition were confirmed so we quickly moved onto the disposition. The disposition is where the attorneys recommend what needs to happen for the parents to get their child back. Then, the judge takes those recommendations and either modifies, adds to or omits any he/she deems necessary. It was all quite interesting. If you'd like more info on foster care court proceedings, click here (it will open a word document).

Of course, Baby D's birth parents were there, so I had all of the nervousness and emotion that I normally have when I am around them. Luke was there too, so that helped immensely. Can I just brag on my husband a minute....(of course I can, it's my blog!)...he is so amazing. He took the entire morning off to go to court. Now, if you know my husband at all you know that taking off work is not something he does lightly. In the 5.5 yrs we've been married he has NEVER called in sick (except 1 time when I was sick and couldn't take care of the kids). The only other time he's taken off work is when we have guests in town or for holidays. So here he is, beside me through this whole process. I was so thankful. Then, as we were sitting the parking lot waiting to go into the courthouse, he reaches over and takes my hand and says the most sincere prayer. He prays for the condition of our hearts (I especially needed that) and for our sweet Baby D. My husband is such a godly man, and I am so, so, so blessed.

Okay, so we get into the court room and it really wasn't that bad. The hardest part was listening to each attorney recommend that Baby D be reunified with his birth parents. I knew that this would be the case, but hearing it out loud crushed my heart. My mind immediately went to that moment when I would have to return him. I envisioned putting him in the car seat. My fat, chubby, handsome 1+ yr old, being buckled in and then watching the social worker drive him away forever. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I know that if that is where God leads us, He will sustain us, but I just can't let my mind go there...not yet.

Basically, the birth parents have A LOT to do. They have a long road ahead of them. Selfishly, I'm glad that they have so many things to do, because that decreases the chances of him going back to them. Then God whispers in to me, Don't you want them to know me? Be a light. It's too hard to swallow.

The most intriguing part of all was that the birth parents never even asked us how he was. When they came into the court room, before it all started, birth mom walked over to me and just said, "Does he need anything?" I told her diapers, because what else would I say? I'm so glad that I didn't blurt something inappropriate out like, "He really needs a loving, stable home...why don't you work on that, huh?" Praise God my filter has become better developed these last few years.

They never asked about him. They didn't ask who was keeping him while we were there. They didn't ask anything. How is that possible? How is it possible for a mother to look at the woman caring for her child and she not ask a single question about his well being? I don't understand and maybe I never will. Afterward, Luke and I went to get some coffee and digest what we'd just experienced. We continued to be baffled by their behavior and Luke continued to remind me that Jesus loves them the same way He loves us. I need to be reminded this continually. I need to be reminded that I should show them Christ's love. I need to be reminded of why we started this process in the first place...so that we could show the love of Christ to everyone we came in contact with. Remind me Lord, remind me, but please do it gently.