I'm actually writing this post shortly after my last one, while bottles and dishes soak in the sink. After claiming I had nothing on my mind, these popped in and refused to go away. Therefore, I decided to sit back down, write them out and schedule this post to publish early tomorrow morning (Saturday).
If you've made one of these comments or asked one of these questions, don't be offended. But, I'm so freakin' sick of hearing them that I thought I'd give my usual response/answer to each of them, and along with it, say what's really going through my head.
**Warning, if you're easily offended, you might wanna stop now. If you have to stop and wonder if you're easily offended, you probably are....no offense ;) **
**It's probably also not terribly kid friendly. I'm pretty blunt. Parental discretion is advised.*** (haha)
If you've made one of these comments or asked one of these questions, don't be offended. But, I'm so freakin' sick of hearing them that I thought I'd give my usual response/answer to each of them, and along with it, say what's really going through my head.
**Warning, if you're easily offended, you might wanna stop now. If you have to stop and wonder if you're easily offended, you probably are....no offense ;) **
**It's probably also not terribly kid friendly. I'm pretty blunt. Parental discretion is advised.*** (haha)
Comments and Questions I'm SICK Of Hearing
Question 1. Wow! You really have your hands full! (Usually said by people who only have 1 kid).
Usual response: Actually, I have really awesome kids and they are usually a lot of fun to be around. I feel incredibly blessed.
What I would like to say: Yes, I do have a lot on my plate. However, your presumption that my "hands are full" indicates to me that you have already assessed my ability to do my job. Yes, this is my job. I am a full-time maid, chef, chauffeur, nanny, wife and mother (plus a few I'm sure I'm forgetting). I'm sorry that YOU feel you would be unable to do this, but during this season of my life, I feel that I am doing exactly what God has called me to do. My hands are not "full" they are overflowing with God's blessings. I wish you liked your kids as much as I do mine.
Question 2: Did his parents not want him? (spoken about Baby D, usually in his presence)
Usual response: They are still working a plan to reunify. I am unable to discuss details.
What I would like to say: Do you really think I would tell you, especially after asking in that manner? I mean, first of all, please do not talk about MY child like he is disposable, especially right in front of him. I realize that you do not think that he understands. However, getting accustomed to speaking negatively about him or his parents in his presence is not something I am willing to do. He is a precious, innocent, beautiful child, created for a purpose by God. He is desired as a member of our family and we will love him as such until we are told not to.
Question 3: How in the world will you ever give him back?
Usually followed by: I could never be a foster parent, I'd get too attached.
Usual response: God clearly led us into being foster parents. If He chooses for him to leave us, God will also help us through that process as well. (I'm usually silent regarding the second comment.)
What I'd like to say: My prayer is that I will never have to give him back. However, since God made it ABUNDANTLY obvious of His desire for us to becoming foster parents, we chose to be obedient. It was not a decisions we made overnight or spontaneously. I believe that because of God's great mercy, love and faithfulness, IF He reunifies Baby D with his birth family, God will also lead us through the emotions that would accompany that.
In light of your second comment about never being able to foster. Well, I think that if you claim you could "never" do something, you're speaking more about your belief in God than your abilities as a human. Luke and I are not super-parents. We did not have an exponential amount of love just lying around that we were not already using so we flippantly decided to add to our quiver. This is a God sized thing. We cannot do this alone. We believe that our God can work through us to accomplish things that we could not do ordinarily on our own. If you do not think God can use you in that way, I would challenge you to examine your relationship with Him. It may not be all you think it is.
Question 4: So, are ya'll done having kids? or So, you're done now, right? or Wow! Don't you know how that happens? (referencing baby making)
Usual response: Probably not. We'll just have to see what God has in store for us. (I usually just roll my eyes at the last question.)
What I'd like to say: I'm incredibly sorry that you don't enjoy your kids as much as I enjoy mine. Yes, I lay down each night exhausted. Yes, I have a lot of people to take care of each day. However, I do not see them as a burden. They are my joy. A pure gift from God. While I recognize that not everyone is called to be a parent to lots of children, the tone in which you asked indicated that you are unhappy with the children God already gave you. I think prayer and a sincere, open conversation with God would do you some good. And, you might wanna get to know your kids. They're probably a lot cooler than you give them credit for.
Yes, I know how "it happens." My husband is incredibly hot. I cannot keep my hands off him. I'm sorry you are not attracted to your spouse.
Question 5: When do you ever have time for the things YOU want to do?
Usual response: Luke and I find some time to spend independently and together. It's not a lot but it's good enough for now.
What I'd like to say: Yes, I have minimal alone/personal time. However, at this season of my life, God has not called me to be selfish. Being a parent means being selfLESS. I would much rather pour my time into raising caring, capable, God fearing kids, than be off by myself whilst hoping that my kids turn out okay. When my kids are gone and our house is empty we will find time to travel, read and knit (okay maybe not). Right now, I enjoy my kids because this time in their lives is so very brief. I'm sorry you don't want to spend time with your kids, as a family. It's really a lot of fun. Exhausting, but fun.
Question 6: Aren't your OWN kids jealous of him? ("him" being Baby D)
Usual response: They are really good with him. They love him like he's ours, just like we do.
What I'd like to say: Actually, our kids are crazy about him. They probably love him more than we do (okay, maybe not). Aside from that, he IS OUR KID. We don't differentiate between "ours" and "not ours." I could understand if you asked me how they were adjusting, but to assume that we make clear differences between the 4 children in our home is to assume that we are not loving this child with all our capabilities. I'm sorry if you feel that you do not have enough love to go around. Maybe you need more Jesus in your life.
Question 7: Now, which one isn't yours? or Which one is the orphan? or someone who already knows our situation points out to someone else That one is the foster baby! in front of all of our children.
Usual response: We are keeping the baby until a permanent placement is made. (If they can't figure out which one is the "baby" then they have bigger issues).
What I'd like to say: They all are "ours." We do not differentiate between "ours" and "not ours" just like God's love does not apply to "saved" and "not saved." He loves everyone regardless of their position. While we may struggle to love all people, the children in our home are loved as equally as humanly possible. None of them are orphans because each of them has a loving mother and father. I'm sorry that you have abandonment issues and/or feel the need to clearly isolate others.
-----
While I know that I maybe hypersensitive to these questions and comments, I also realize that many people are oblivious to the hurtful comments and tones that they use. We desire to love Baby D as if he is our child by birth and, with a few exceptions that we cannot control, we plan to do so until further notice. Once more, I am not trying to be offensive, but sometimes outsiders are oblivious. I do not mind answering questions, most of the time, as long as the person's heart reflects genuine interest, love and a desire to be uplifting. Sometimes, this is clearly NOT the case. It's offensive to me, hurtful and mostly, just rude. I try to view their questions in light of how I used to perceive things, before we were foster parents. I don't think I was that rude.
I remember very vividly about 2 years ago, being in the toddler class at our church. At our church, there is another family who used to foster but have since adopted out. As I sat there with 2 childcare workers, I listened to the conversation these women were having about 2 of the children in this family (that were also in the room). One child was theirs by birth, the other via adoption. Coincidentally, they are only months apart in age. These women sat there and openly discussed which was "really theirs" and which "was the crack baby." How hurtful! I know that these kids were not even 2 years old yet, but can you imagine having to go through life with that label? I pray for this family often.
I also pray, that if the Lord let's us keep Baby D, that outsiders will not continue to label him as an orphan, a foster baby or any other name that provokes feelings of negativity. I pray that others will become aware of their hurtful words and acknowledge that it is by God's grace that THEY are saved and it is by that same grace that God pulled this precious child out of a horrible situation and placed him into our family. I pray that God will bring into the light phrases and comments that I make that are hurtful and help me to see the error of my ways.
Usual response: Actually, I have really awesome kids and they are usually a lot of fun to be around. I feel incredibly blessed.
What I would like to say: Yes, I do have a lot on my plate. However, your presumption that my "hands are full" indicates to me that you have already assessed my ability to do my job. Yes, this is my job. I am a full-time maid, chef, chauffeur, nanny, wife and mother (plus a few I'm sure I'm forgetting). I'm sorry that YOU feel you would be unable to do this, but during this season of my life, I feel that I am doing exactly what God has called me to do. My hands are not "full" they are overflowing with God's blessings. I wish you liked your kids as much as I do mine.
Question 2: Did his parents not want him? (spoken about Baby D, usually in his presence)
Usual response: They are still working a plan to reunify. I am unable to discuss details.
What I would like to say: Do you really think I would tell you, especially after asking in that manner? I mean, first of all, please do not talk about MY child like he is disposable, especially right in front of him. I realize that you do not think that he understands. However, getting accustomed to speaking negatively about him or his parents in his presence is not something I am willing to do. He is a precious, innocent, beautiful child, created for a purpose by God. He is desired as a member of our family and we will love him as such until we are told not to.
Question 3: How in the world will you ever give him back?
Usually followed by: I could never be a foster parent, I'd get too attached.
Usual response: God clearly led us into being foster parents. If He chooses for him to leave us, God will also help us through that process as well. (I'm usually silent regarding the second comment.)
What I'd like to say: My prayer is that I will never have to give him back. However, since God made it ABUNDANTLY obvious of His desire for us to becoming foster parents, we chose to be obedient. It was not a decisions we made overnight or spontaneously. I believe that because of God's great mercy, love and faithfulness, IF He reunifies Baby D with his birth family, God will also lead us through the emotions that would accompany that.
In light of your second comment about never being able to foster. Well, I think that if you claim you could "never" do something, you're speaking more about your belief in God than your abilities as a human. Luke and I are not super-parents. We did not have an exponential amount of love just lying around that we were not already using so we flippantly decided to add to our quiver. This is a God sized thing. We cannot do this alone. We believe that our God can work through us to accomplish things that we could not do ordinarily on our own. If you do not think God can use you in that way, I would challenge you to examine your relationship with Him. It may not be all you think it is.
Question 4: So, are ya'll done having kids? or So, you're done now, right? or Wow! Don't you know how that happens? (referencing baby making)
Usual response: Probably not. We'll just have to see what God has in store for us. (I usually just roll my eyes at the last question.)
What I'd like to say: I'm incredibly sorry that you don't enjoy your kids as much as I enjoy mine. Yes, I lay down each night exhausted. Yes, I have a lot of people to take care of each day. However, I do not see them as a burden. They are my joy. A pure gift from God. While I recognize that not everyone is called to be a parent to lots of children, the tone in which you asked indicated that you are unhappy with the children God already gave you. I think prayer and a sincere, open conversation with God would do you some good. And, you might wanna get to know your kids. They're probably a lot cooler than you give them credit for.
Yes, I know how "it happens." My husband is incredibly hot. I cannot keep my hands off him. I'm sorry you are not attracted to your spouse.
Question 5: When do you ever have time for the things YOU want to do?
Usual response: Luke and I find some time to spend independently and together. It's not a lot but it's good enough for now.
What I'd like to say: Yes, I have minimal alone/personal time. However, at this season of my life, God has not called me to be selfish. Being a parent means being selfLESS. I would much rather pour my time into raising caring, capable, God fearing kids, than be off by myself whilst hoping that my kids turn out okay. When my kids are gone and our house is empty we will find time to travel, read and knit (okay maybe not). Right now, I enjoy my kids because this time in their lives is so very brief. I'm sorry you don't want to spend time with your kids, as a family. It's really a lot of fun. Exhausting, but fun.
Question 6: Aren't your OWN kids jealous of him? ("him" being Baby D)
Usual response: They are really good with him. They love him like he's ours, just like we do.
What I'd like to say: Actually, our kids are crazy about him. They probably love him more than we do (okay, maybe not). Aside from that, he IS OUR KID. We don't differentiate between "ours" and "not ours." I could understand if you asked me how they were adjusting, but to assume that we make clear differences between the 4 children in our home is to assume that we are not loving this child with all our capabilities. I'm sorry if you feel that you do not have enough love to go around. Maybe you need more Jesus in your life.
Question 7: Now, which one isn't yours? or Which one is the orphan? or someone who already knows our situation points out to someone else That one is the foster baby! in front of all of our children.
Usual response: We are keeping the baby until a permanent placement is made. (If they can't figure out which one is the "baby" then they have bigger issues).
What I'd like to say: They all are "ours." We do not differentiate between "ours" and "not ours" just like God's love does not apply to "saved" and "not saved." He loves everyone regardless of their position. While we may struggle to love all people, the children in our home are loved as equally as humanly possible. None of them are orphans because each of them has a loving mother and father. I'm sorry that you have abandonment issues and/or feel the need to clearly isolate others.
-----
While I know that I maybe hypersensitive to these questions and comments, I also realize that many people are oblivious to the hurtful comments and tones that they use. We desire to love Baby D as if he is our child by birth and, with a few exceptions that we cannot control, we plan to do so until further notice. Once more, I am not trying to be offensive, but sometimes outsiders are oblivious. I do not mind answering questions, most of the time, as long as the person's heart reflects genuine interest, love and a desire to be uplifting. Sometimes, this is clearly NOT the case. It's offensive to me, hurtful and mostly, just rude. I try to view their questions in light of how I used to perceive things, before we were foster parents. I don't think I was that rude.
I remember very vividly about 2 years ago, being in the toddler class at our church. At our church, there is another family who used to foster but have since adopted out. As I sat there with 2 childcare workers, I listened to the conversation these women were having about 2 of the children in this family (that were also in the room). One child was theirs by birth, the other via adoption. Coincidentally, they are only months apart in age. These women sat there and openly discussed which was "really theirs" and which "was the crack baby." How hurtful! I know that these kids were not even 2 years old yet, but can you imagine having to go through life with that label? I pray for this family often.
I also pray, that if the Lord let's us keep Baby D, that outsiders will not continue to label him as an orphan, a foster baby or any other name that provokes feelings of negativity. I pray that others will become aware of their hurtful words and acknowledge that it is by God's grace that THEY are saved and it is by that same grace that God pulled this precious child out of a horrible situation and placed him into our family. I pray that God will bring into the light phrases and comments that I make that are hurtful and help me to see the error of my ways.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
~ Psalm 139:23-24