Time To Embrace

My step-mom was a wonderful woman. She loved big, laughed often and fought fiercely for the things she believed in. She treated me like her own flesh and blood and loved me beyond what I will probably ever comprehend.

She taught me how to be myself and be comfortable with what I was created to be. She showed me that life isn't as serious as most people take it and if you learn to roll with the punches you'll laugh more often than you'll cry. She told me that standing up for the people you love and the things you live for is never a mistake. She raised my sister to be independent, loyal and poised. She loved people regardless of their situations, appearance and life experiences. She believed in a risen Savior who conquered the grave.

This past week, although I began missing her terribly, I realized that she is indeed experiencing something that I long for...Heaven. Knowing that she is there makes it hard for me to grieve the loss of her earthly life. Instead, I mourn for my sister and my dad. I watched my sister learn what life looks like without her mother. I sat across from her as she learned to breathe, walk and function in a strange new world where she is now thrust into a life she never desired. I saw a 16 year old who is more poised than I may ever be. I sat and just existed because I was unsure of what to say since I've been less-than-present in the last 11 years. I mean, after all, I barely know this teenager sitting in front me, struggling to make sense of a God that is allowing this to happen. The only bond we have is our blood and that of the risen King and I pray that it will be enough to ignite a relationship that spans the rest of our lives.

I longed for my dad to have one more moment with his wife. I stood in the parlor of a funeral home and watched 4 grown men surround my dad with their arms and mourn with him. These 4 men are long time friends that are closer to him that most of his family. I heard my dad cry out in pain over the loss of his wife and the mother of his daughter. That is a pain that I cannot imagine enduring. And even though my relationship with my dad has been strained for many years he is still my Daddy and it broke me to see him hurting.

Why is it that we never stop and realize exactly what is in front of us until it's too late? Sure, I'm grateful and I feel blessed for my children, my husband and my home. My family is remarkable and I am blessed beyond understanding in so many ways. But, never again on this side of heaven can I tell my step-mom just how much I love her. Never again will I be able to wrap my earthly arms around her and tell her thank you for raising me like her own daughter, even though she didn't have to. She will never see the faces of her grandchildren again, the ones she currently has or the ones yet to come.

As the understanding of all that my family has lost washes over me throughout my day I understand that there really is a time for everything just as Ecclesiastes says,

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Now is the time that I rejoice over the life of my step-mom. I rejoice in knowing that she is worshiping God and seeing Him face to face, experiencing a joy unlike any I can fathom. This is a time where I reflect on all the lessons and love that she passed onto me. A time where I search out what I my role is in the life of my sister and my dad. A time where I seek the Lord like never before and allow his comfort and peace to surpass all of my understanding. But, it shouldn't take a time like this. Instead, my heart should be earnestly seeking Him all of my days, in each of these ways, like never before simply because of love.

It's Not My Job To Understand

I knew when I saw my Dad's number pop up on my cell phone that someone had died. My grandparents have not been in good health for a while now and it was because of their declining health that we visited Arkansas last Thanksgiving. So, it was natural for me to assume that one of my Dad's parents had passed when I saw his number. You see, my Dad and I have not had many conversations in the last several years. To say our relationship has been strained is a tad of an understatement.

Still, when my Dad told me that it was my step-mother that had died and not one of my grandparents my heart broke. Immediately I asked about my sister then all I could muster out was "Dad, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

I got in touch with Luke who was enjoying a rare guys afternoon out at the movie. He came home immediately and I began searching for flights.

The 4th of July holiday meant inflated ticket prices. The least I could get there for was $478. For that price, we could all go (by car). Luke and I decided over the phone that all of us would make the trip.

I called my Dad and told him I was packing at that we would be there some time the next day. "You don't need to load up all those kids in the car that long," he stated.

"Dad, I'm coming either way. If you'd prefer the kids not to come because they'd be in the way, I'm okay with that. But, it's your call."

"I'd love to see my grandbabies," his voice said with a crack. We hung up and I continued packing for the seven of us to make a last minute trip across the state of Tennessee.

At 9pm EST we pulled out. We drove all night while the kids slept, Luke and I taking turns sleeping. We arrived at my Dad's house a little after 8:00am CST.

The details of my step-mother's death are ones that I am choosing to keep private, but she did dies of natural causes in her sleep. My sister found her body the next morning while my Dad was gone fishing. I can't imagine the images that will haunt my sister's mind for the rest of her life.

She and my step-mom were close. Best friends, in fact. They were like two peas in a pod. My step-mom did a great job training up my sister to be a woman who loves the Lord. Both my sister and step-mom attended church regularly and were believers in Jesus. I know that my step-mom is dancing on the streets of heaven now, worshiping our Lord and for that I take comfort. But, my heart aches deeply for my sister.

She's 16 and not only lost her mother but her best friend. She's 16 and has the rest of her life to endure without her mother cheering her on. She's 16 and in her future lies graduations, weddings and the births of her children. She's 16 and has her entire life ahead of her, without the love and support that only a mother can provide.

But, with all of that said, I know that God is sovereign. I know that He knows His perfect will and how that includes my sister facing a life without her Mom. I can't begin to rationalize why God would allow my step-mom to die at this point in her life. I can't begin to understand why God knows that my sister will be closer to Him through it all. I can't understand because my mind is merely human and God's mind is all knowing.

But I can believe and I can trust and I can encourage and love her the best I know how from this far away. I can be on my knees, begging God to send her someone she can confide in, trust and fill a small piece of the void she must feel. I can beseech the most Holy God on behalf of my sister and dad and pray for His mercy and love to fill their hearts.

God is good no matter our present circumstances. I pray that you will join me in lifting up a hurting daughter before the King of Kings and a broken man who desperately needs a relationship with the One who can heal all wounds.

Thank you friends.