More of Him

I pushed send and sat back, my stomach already turning in knots.

I closed the laptop and pushed it to the other side of the table telling myself that I would not obsess over how people reacted.

I won't do it.

But a few minutes later, the glow of the laptop illuminated my face as I looked at the list that continued to grow that told me who had received our last newsletter.

This is God's plan, this is God's plan, this is God's plan.

I keep reminding myself this over and over again because even today over chips and salsa with a very dear friend I couldn't keep my voice from shaking as I told her how desperately I long to be in Africa.

God knew when He called us to Africa what was foreboding on the calendar of 2012 for our family. He knew. And yet, He still called us, still let us proceed to this point. Because He knew somewhere in all of this mess is something that I need so desperately.

More of Him.

I need Him now more than ever before. Because y'all, at times, it feels like my whole life is crumbling right around me. Like it's slipping through the space between my fingers and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

You know when you're at the beach and your kids have built the sandcastle of all sandcastles. It's a good distance from the water but you know that tomorrow, it won't be there? You know how a few hours later you're warm and crispy, the kids have moved on to collecting seashells and then it happens.

THE wave comes. Through futile attempts you may try to dig and dig and dig to allow for a barrier of some sort from the water. A trench, anything, to divert the impending loss that the waves will bring. But it's pointless, really.

Slowly, all you've worked so hard to build slips away in one fail sweep of waves. And just like that...

it's gone.

Knowing this was all part of God's original plan and feeling contentment and peace in my heart with our current situation are two totally different things. The first one I'm okay with. The second is a daily struggle.

This summer we went on a road trip to see family and friends. For the second year in a row, Paige went with us. She'd met our friends Mandy and Micah the last time we went over and connected with Mandy right away. The three of us girls sat up into the wee hours of the morning talking and laughing while the men were being sensible and sleeping.

That night will forever be burned into my memory. Our conversation had quickly turned to relationships, dating and, for Mandy and I, the mistakes we'd made in both of those areas. Paige was confessing some of her own struggles as she strived toward purity.

Mandy and I sat on the couch and Paige sat cross-legged in the floor with a blanket over her lap, on their floral print rug, picking at the carpet lint around her.

She looked up at me, with tears in her eyes, her voice shaking.

"Jess, I know why you guys aren't in Kenya this summer, like you were suppose to be."

Tears spilled over her eyelids and ran down her cheeks.

"It's because of me. God knew I needed you here this summer."

I think about that night and it nearly takes my breath away. That was two weeks before she died. Little did she know that she was speaking words of prophecy.

But now, she's gone. Our plans and goals have crumbled. The thing we've been working toward for nearly two years (and planning and praying about for nearly 4 years) seems like a lofty, far-off dream and I'm struggling to see the glory of God in any of it.

I'm left surrounded by mess, heartache and grief. The kind that takes you by surprise and you wonder if you'll be able to hold it together through the rest of your conversation so you can slip into the safety of an empty room and cry.

And yet I know that in the midst of all of this the Lord is waiting, calling, desiring me to come and just lay it all before Him.

He's waiting.

I'm hesitant.

I'm desperate to feel His presence and yet I'm just not sure I'm ready to submit myself to the One who built me up and then allowed me to fall and our world to crumble.

The song "Steady My Heart" by Kari Jobe has spoken to me over and over and over again, especially the chorus.

Even when it hurts,
Even when it's hard,
Even when it all just falls apart.
I will run to you,
'Cause I know that you are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I know He will steady my heart if I will just allow myself to have more of Him and less of my own self pity and sorrow. If will allow Him to overshadow my grief, my disappointment, my fear of what our future might hold.

More of Him. That's exactly what I need to steady my heart.

Uncharted hairy territory

As a Mom to 7 kids, I've seen just about everything. Friends will talk about things going on with their kids and usually I can offer a suggestion because, you know, we've been there. Often, several times.

But last night was whole new territory for me as a Momma. And it's territory I'd like to never go into again.

I like to think I'm pretty cool, calm and collected even when blood and falls and bumps are concerned. Lucas busted his mouth open and ended up needing minor oral surgery the weekend before Abigail was born and while I panicked a little bit, I didn't just lose it.

But last night? I borderline lost it.

All was going well. Abigail wasn't really wanting much for dinner, which is odd, but she's also cutting two teeth so I figured that's what was wrong. I'd give her a bite, she'd spit it out and play with it. So, her clothes were a mess.

After dinner I stripped her down to her diaper and let her crawl around for a little while. After about 10 minutes Olivia pointed to Abigail's foot at almost the exact same time that I was looking down. I thought she'd cut it and it was bleeding.

I quickly scooped her up and took a closer look. It wasn't blood. Instead, a group of hair and lint had gotten wrapped around two of her toes and the circulation was being cut off. Her toes were so swollen, red and they'd developed blisters.

I quickly got some tweezers and got the hair off. But it was deep in her skin. Not to mention that once I noticed it and began messing with it she was screaming at the top of her lungs and the other 6 kids were gathered around, worried about their baby sister.

Apparently, "hair tourniquets" are not something that I'd ever heard of but they exist. Google them, but with caution my friends.

This is a pic of her foot about 10 minutes after I got the hair free. It's probably so blurry because I was shaking like a leaf.


My friend Lindy who used to be an ER nurse said that these weren't that uncommon and she'd seen a few in the ER. She checked it over just to be sure but said that we'd be fine just taking her to the Peds in the morning.

I took this picture about 45 minutes after I'd freed the hairs.


This morning we visited our peds and he said that he is going to treat it like a 2nd degree burn (because it's really blistered on bottom and still very swollen and red) and he gave her an antibiotic. Here's a pic I took at the doctor's office this morning.


The pediatrician said that he had read about them in residency and seen a lot of pictures but he'd never actually seen a case in person in his 11 years of pediatric medicine. He said that in residency they told him that if a baby was fussy and there wasn't a determinable cause to take off the baby's socks and check their feet.

Who'd have known?? In 8 years and 7 kids worth of parenting I've never even HEARD of this. So I wanted to post it for all you Mommas out there with little babes as well. Crazy!

I knew that our family was a constant opportunity for growth and education but I'll be happy to never experience this again.

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Have YOU ever heard of this? What's the weirdest thing you've ever had happen to your kids?